I’m not satisfied with who I am. It’s a fact of life with which I’m trying to come to terms. There are many characteristics I want to have that I just don’t, many default reactions to life that I would love to have but are far from natural for me. Can you relate?
I wish I was selfless, for instance. Like, Katniss selfless. I volunteer as tribute!
Or loyal. Samwise Gamgee I-can’t-carry-it-for-you-but-I-can-carry-you loyal.
What about brave? Like Harry Potter and friends facing Voldemort brave? Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart…
Instead, here’s me, WebMD definition (WebMD and I have a love/mostly-hate relationship) :
Lindsey is a hypochondriac and generally fear-ridden human being that, when confronted with adverse circumstances, becomes a functionally useless puddle of tears.
Haha! I have to laugh at myself, or else it’s too painful a thought.
We all have fundamental human deficiencies that we wish were not a part of us. We’re all most attracted to characters in books and movies that fill some sort of void in our deficiencies. If I were Katniss-Samwise-Harry-Lindsey, boy, would I be able to face anything! I’d also look a little weird.
I’m just Lindsey, though. How do I deal with that?
When I tell people It’s a Wonderful Life is my favorite Christmas movie (actually it’s one of my favorite movies, period) I get one of three very strong reactions:
1. YES! I love that movie. Classic.
2. Aww…such a sad movie!
3. I hate that movie.
There are literally no apathetic reactions to this movie. I watch it every year with my family, and I never tire of it. I won’t spoil anything for those of you who haven’t seen it. George Bailey is a mess of a man. He’s a reluctant hero with high pride and high dreams and a growing bitterness at his lot in life. Suffice it to say, even fault-filled George’s life is full of wonderful influence that has touched, encouraged, and improved so many lives in his “crummy little town”. Yet, somehow, George is blind to his good influence. He only sees his mess-ups, his missed opportunities. Sound familiar? I know I can relate.
You know what’s beautiful about God, about our relationship with Him? He doesn’t pay any attention to those faults that we spin around our heads and hearts until we’re dizzy-sick. He sees the righteousness of Christ and when we limp over to Him in broken-down pride with all our weakness, He lets us lean into His strength.
God knows all our thoughts and feelings intimately, and, best of all, He shows how Jesus fills our voids, our discrepancies, our weaknesses. And sometimes, and this is a favorite mystery, He invites us into paradox. Exhibit A…when something bad happens in one of my close circles, I am truly one of the people furthest away from feeling hopeful. And yet, hope is one of those things that most enthralls me. I write songs about it, I try to encourage people with a truth I struggle feeling! I marvel and cry over the sweet hope God gives…it’s an unspeakable mercy.
I wrote this song over the past few weeks. My inspiration comes significantly through stories of hope like these. And an insatiable desire to let what-I-am-not be carried by Jesus, our Living Hope.
What are your “wannabe’s”? How can/do you find your particular “wannabe’s” satisfied in Christ?
